Dog Humor
How to Photograph a puppy
1) Remove film from box and load camera
2) Remove film from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
3) Remove puppy from trash and wipe coffee grounds from muzzle
4) Choose a suitable background for photo
5) Mount camera on tripod and focus
6) Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
7) Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
8) Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
9) Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
10) Get tissue and clean nose print from lense
11) Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
12) Put cat outside and put perixode on the scratch on puppy's nose
13) Put magazines back on coffee table
14) Try to get puppy's attention by sqeaking toy over head
15) Replace your glasses and check camera for scratches
16) Jump up in time to grab puppy and say "No, outside! No, outside"
17) Call spouse to clean up mess
18) Fix a drink
19) Sit back in lazy boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit/stand" and "stay" first thing in morning
20) Consider buying "older/trained" rescue dog
How To Wrap Presents With a Puppy
1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth
7. Take scissors away from puppy
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth
10. Put present back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy off box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose in the way as she helps.
17. Let puppy tear paper remaining to be cut.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from her mouth.
21. Tell older dog to hold tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older puppy dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog. Sit on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape and tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow & tape on since sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with roll of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.
DOGGY DICTIONARY
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop. This can also be done to human's crotches.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMPS: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require..... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
I will scootchmy bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
I will not eat other animals' poop.
I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
BASIC DOG RULES
NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry . ...Eat a shoe.
